So last week’s newsletter took a look at how to uncover and work through a deep seated fear. And I revealed that I had recently come to understand that I have been harboring, and maybe even feeding, a fear of truly allowing myself to open up to love. I decide to really expand on this one fear, because I can speak with personal truth about it and I know that I am certainly not alone.
One of the first things to realize is I’m not exactly talking about every day romantic relationship love, or family or friendship love. I’m talking about a deep, soul love that can really only come from the connection you have to God. A way-down, true self knowing that you are always most perfectly and preciously loved. Not loved…I mean LOVED.
There are very few of us that often even have a glimpse of that, but when we do it truly is like the heaven’s open up and the angels sing. And who DOESN’T want that?!?!…Me!!
It’s absolutely true that having an understanding of that kind of love affects how you experience all other kinds of loves. Having a true experience of that kind of love, or living in that kind of love, will affect your entire life. And if we are super lucky and doing it right, our romantic relationships in particular, will reflect a true knowing not just mental understanding of how we are so loved. But you know what all this requires? Complete and total openness, surrender, vulnerability. And my little self says, “Uh huh. No way.”
I didn’t even realize I was afraid of all that until I recently read Deepak Chopra’s The Path to Love. This book is about finding your way back to “oneness” or our natural place of being in God’s perfect love. And in this book, in one spot about the middle, he makes an example of how many of us initially learn that love equals safety. This is because our parents were the first to love us and they kept us safe, and made us feel safe. He translates that this is the beginning for most of us to identify safety with love, and that love coming from an external place. Aaahhhh, you say. I read that and went, “Oh Damn! I’m screwed!”
I say that mostly jokingly but it did trigger a big realization for me. I knew I had control/surrender issues. I thought I had worked them out pretty damn well actually. I certainly learned that being in control didn’t make things necessarily right or mean that they would go better. I successfully worked on allowing other people to lead and do things differently, and be truly ok with the outcome even if it wasn’t perfect. But what I never quite down-in-my-soul got was that in the way of love, I perceived love as a deep opening of yourself that was totally unsafe. Surrendering completely in love and with love wasn’t just about control but it was about my feeling deeply, deeply afraid of being vulnerable and open because I equate it with unsafe.
Trust me, on some level I know you’re thinking, “well yah!” I did too. I thought I knew, but I didn’t actually know. Of course this means I have some more work to do in an area I thought was licked. But it a whole new reframing of a surrendering issue. I have no doubt that uncovering an association that love means I’m not safe will completely change my life. I encourage all of you to check to see if there is a block from completely opening up, surrendering to God’s love, and if so, what is it?